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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Something I got out of an old magazine to give y'all a bit of a chuckle.

Masters of the Universe

by Chuck Thompson

Sometimes in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to list the 50 greatest America heroes. This is one of those times.

50. Captain America
This radiocative Nazi fighter held down the fort until we could invent the atomic bomb.

49. Thoms Jefferson
Raped the French by buying the Louisiana Territory for $15 million, banged the kitchen help, and died on cue, July 4, 1826.

48. Douglas MacArthur
Transformed Japan from imperial death machine into stereo maker to the world.

47. Hugh Hefner
Made lusting after chicks cool to your dad.

46. Frederick Douglass
Never-say-yes-sir crusader escaped slavery and stuck it to the Man. Married a white woman, just in case he hadn't pissed off everyone enough.

45. Jonas Salk
Developed polio vaccine. Without him you'd probably be reading this from a wheelchair.

44. Jackie Robinson
As a U.S. Army lieutenant, he beat a court-marital rap for refusing to move to the back of a bus in 1944 rural Texas. You know the rest.

43. Dale Earnhardt
The Intimidator classed up NASCAR, pocketed $41 mil, then went out like all rebels, with both hands on the wheel.

42. Vince Lombardi
The toughest man ever born in Brooklyn. As he often told the Green Bay Packers, "Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser."

41. Bruse Springsteen
Made it OK for non-Republicans to wave the flag. Unlike most "artists," actually works for a living during four-hour concert marathons.

40 Babe Ruth
Scarfed down hot dogs between innins, belted taters for dying kids, swore like an Irish whore, and inspired writers to ejaculate about "the surging erectile power of the Ruthian home run."

39. Ernest Hemingway
Didn't let a vocabulary of about 100 words stop him from becoming one of the greatest writers ever. Shot half the animals in Africa.

38. Willie Nelson
Gives money to farmers--most of them from Hawaii and Mexico. Only white man alive who looks good in braids and do-rags.

37. Father Mike
The fire department chaplain died while ministering last rites to wounded firemen after the WTC attacks. As the first stricken firefighter identified after the tragedy, Father Mychal Judge's death certificate was fittingly labeled No. 1.

36. Joe Namath
Guaranteed the Super Bowl victory that formed the modern NFL and talked exactly like a super-star should: "I like my Johnnie Walker Red and my women blonde."

35. John McCain
Withstood more torture in Nam than Rambo (bayonet to the groin, anyone?), then nearly straight-talked his way to the White House.

34. Thomas Edison
Without him there would be no Vegas, night skiing, Destiny's Child videos, porn sites. Helped justify the existence of New Jersey.

33. Colonel David Hackworth
Has more valor awards (28) than any other living American soldier. Today he's a hard-core hero to the grunts and a nemesis to the Pentagon brass.

32. Mark Twain
Writer of the greatest American classic of all time managed to remain popular while expressing seething contempt for most of humanity.

31. Chuck Yeager
The first man to reach mach speed had gunned down 13 Nazi planes by the time he was 23. To this day the sound of his balls clanking together hearalds his every approach.

30. Jack Nicholson
"You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police."

29. Kelly Johnson
Designed just about every spy plane ever built, including the U-2 and the SR-71 Blackbird. Also stealthy with the ladies. When his wife croaked, he married his 35-year-old-secretary. When she died, he married her best friend.

28. Albert Einstein
Unlike the supreme naturalized American in history, you don't have to know how E=mc2 show that energy and matter are interchangeable, just that it led to the development of atomic energy and America's inevitable world domination.

27. George Washington
Invented the U.S. Army. Still fronts the currency the rest of the world beats off to at night.

26. Bob Hope
Trotted out gash for 50 years' worth of GIs. Still laughing at the Grim Reaper (at press time).

25. John F. Kennedy
Stared down the Russkies in Cuba. Took a peek at Marilyn Monroe's classified balloon knot.

24. P.T. Barnum
Made midgets, bearded ladies, and giant animal turds staples of the entertainment world.

23. Jimi Hendrix
Hippie god was an Army paratrooper.

22. Jim Thorpe
The century's greates athlete was stripped of his Olympic gold medials in the decathlon and the pentathlon--a feat still never matched--for playing in the minor leagues. Didn't kill self.

21. Jesse Owens
Did everything but fist Hitler at the 1936 Olympics by copping for gold medals in a single day.

20. Rudoph Giuliani
Became "America's mayor" on September 11.

19. John Wayne
Cut an album titled America, Why I Love Her. Hated whiners and Commies like Jane Fonda.

18. Davy Crockett
Killed 105 bears in six months. (Relax--it was the 1820s, for God's sake.) Sneaked inside the Alamo just in time to die for whatever noble cause got all those guys killed.

17. Theodore Roosevelt
Rough Rider death merchant handed the U.S. the 20th century on a silver platter by preserving half of North America.

16. Johnny Cash
Blacker than the inside of a tire factory, America's original hard-times rogue served in Korea, then got famous by entertaining prison screws. After September 11, the featured link on the Man in Black's official Web site went to the lyrics to his 1974 song "Ragged Old Flag."

15. Philo Farnsworth
Mormon life was so intolerably tedious in 1921 that a 14-year-old kid had to come up with the idea for TV. Made it work by the time he was 21.

14. Benjamin Franklin
Invented everything from dayligh-saving time to fire departments. Declared himself an apostle of "moral perfection," then proved that a man could be both a relentless whore-monger and an unsurpassed statesman.

13. Bill Murray
Showed the world what motivated GIs can accomplish in the gritty documentary Stripes.

12. Martin Luther King Jr.
America's most spectacular orator could talk Charlie Sheen out of a whorehous--or himself out of the hoosegow, where he landed 30 times while leading the civil rights movement.

11. Neil Armstrong
How do you get to be the first man on the moon? Simple. Build a wind tunnel in your basement when you're 16 and fly 78 combat missions in Korea before turning 23.

10. Muhammad Ali
Scared the living s**t out of your parents--even if they were black. Won the studliest fight of all time in Manila by turning the second-toughtest man alive into a steaming pile of dog s**t.

9. Ted Williams
Teddy Ballgame fought in WWII and Korea, had a lifetime batting average of .344 and retired to catch more fish than Moby-Dick.

8. Crazy Horse
Sioux chief rallied braves with the cry, "It's a good day to fight, it's a good day to die," then destroyed Custer had Little Big Horn. Stabbed in the back by a U.S. soldier, making even his death the ultimate American metaphor.

7. Abraham Lincoln
Made pork chop sideburns, top hats, facial warts, and chronic depression cool. Jammed the concent of freedom down hillbilly throats, then had the sac to order the White House band to play "Dixie" to celebrate the end of the Civil War.

6. Ray Kroc
Proof that even your wasted adult years can be salvaged--the Dr. Zaius of America's coperate takeover of the universe didn't open his first McDonald's until well after his 50th birthday.

5. The Passengers of United Flight #93
No one knows for sure what happened aboard that plane on September 11, but you can bet your ass such unlikely heroes as a rugby jock, high school quarterback, and judo champ introduced the horse-dicked sodomy ring of hell to the f**kwads who thought they were on a one-way ride to paradise via Washington D.C. Those brave passangers saved the nation's capital.

4. Elvis Presley
The living embodiment of America's euphoric postwar boom showed himself to the door long before VH1 could turn His Majesty into tawdy soap opera fodder.

3. Franklin D. Roosevelt
Literally saved the planet for democracy--in 1941 there were barely a dozen free countries left on earth--by unleashing guys like Ike, Oppenheimer, and your grandat on the world.

2. Evel Knievel
the perennial ghoul-pool favorite jumped over lions and thousands of autos and got towed behind a dragster holding on to a parachute. Goave $100 discounts at his car dealerships to anyone who could beat him in arm wrestling.

1. General George S. Patton
Stomping on Romme's dick all the way across Africa, he told his boys, "We won't just shoot the bastards, but rip out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks." Still doesn't give a rat's ass what you think about his slapping around malaria-stricken soldiers, or that you don't blieve he could've taken Russia with 10 tanks, two baseball bats, and a case of Schlitz.
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