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A little bit of humour directed at our close cousins, the grand people of america. No malicousness intended, I just thought this deserved a thread of its own as I think its hilarious.

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation
that took place in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the
coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was
released by the MoD.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South,to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert your course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your
course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: We are a lighthouse. F*ck off.
 

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typical stereotype of the yanks there i see. i doubt they changed their course though!:D
 

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That's old ;)


Still a good laugh though :D :D
 

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Fred Elliot said:
"tetetate teteta tatetate tateta"
- morse code version

LOL
 

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To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure ... to[properly]govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she doesn't fancy. Your new Prime Minister (the Rt.Hon. Tony Blair MP, for the 98 percent of you who are unaware that there is a world outside your borders)will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required, occasionally, to cast British actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after obeying Rule 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing "American football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as "American football" is not a very good game.
The two percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football." You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls, as it
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to "American football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98 percent of you who are not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians may have been the bad guys up to now but they ain't the worst. By the way, "merde" is French for "****."

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

11. The FAA is to be absorbed into the CAA as the Western office, with immediate effect. FARs are to be replaced by JARs which, in turn, will be
replaced by BCARs.

12. The "N" registration will be replaced by "G" on all US-operated aircraft.

13. Driving will be on the left side of the road. Trucks (which will be called lorries, with immediate effect) will change over side on Sunday next,and cars one month later, if there are any left by then.


I cant remember where i found this :)
 

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Fred That really did make me LOL.

:howler:

Russel have you seen the counter response from the Americans?
Its quite poigniant, cant seem to place it though at the mo.
 

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This is actually genuine (but its not really bashing yanks just Microsoft):

At a recent computer expo, COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask you "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10 You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
 

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Russel have you seen the counter response from the Americans?
Its quite poigniant, cant seem to place it though at the mo
I havent seen the counter response but i'd love to see it, any chances of you being able to find it?
 

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I'm having a look through my jokes mailbox at work but it is 8 meg!

It may take a while :)
 
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