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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 16:23 Thread Starter
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Funny headlines of the day thread

Just post up the weirdest headlines you can find in your local newspaper or online, for a bit of a laugh. They don't necessarily need to be political headlines, or from the exact date, but reasonably topical ones are encouraged.

This one from CNN amused me somewhat:

Denmark pays for killing Santa's Rudolf

P.S. Articles from The Onion don't count.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 16:26
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I always knew there was something sinister about the Danes.

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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 16:35
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Police Apply Tear Gas to Repel Gang of Turkeys

Associated Press

Iron Mountain Michigan—State police had to use tear gas to fend off a gang of turkeys that had caused a car accident and were threatening the occupants.

Two cars had stopped to avoid hitting the fowl, which were blocking a road, when a third car rear-ended one of the stopped cars Friday, state police said.

Officer Daryl Middleton was talking to one of the drivers when five or six turkeys began “yelping, clucking and gobbling at him as they moved toward him in an intimidating manner,” according to police report.

Then officer Larry Gasperich arrived at the scene to direct traffic.

“When the turkeys saw Gasperich waving his arms around directing traffic, it got them even more excited and they went after him,” the report said.

It got worse when Gasperich tried swatting them away with his hat.

“Badly outnumbered, Gasperich finally resorted to spraying the critters with tear gas,” the report said. “The suspects fled the scene on foot, running down the hill and into a wooded area south of the crime scene.”

Gasperich credited his escape to red pepper-based tear gas.

“They started shaking their heads and looking kind of bewildered and confused and it stopped their charging motion.”

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Nel cielo biancazzurro brilla un'altra stella - In the lightblue sky another star shines. Alija tu non sarai mai sola. Alija you will never be alone.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 16:37 Thread Starter
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Were there any pictures?

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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 16:39
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No. No mug shots of the turkeys. The criminal fowl are still at large.

But tomorrow is new day and new chance. -- Alija

Nel cielo biancazzurro brilla un'altra stella - In the lightblue sky another star shines. Alija tu non sarai mai sola. Alija you will never be alone.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 16:49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Humbird
No. No mug shots of the turkeys. The criminal fowl are still at large.
That's it, start another nationwide panic .... (actually, all turkeys were taken by lipstick testing labs, you know, turkey lips!)

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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old October 4th, 2005, 23:04
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I read two in the sun a few years back:

"Nazi racoons take over Europe"
The jist of the story was (actually what it said): German racoons are spreading through Europe into Poland and France, like the 3rd Reich did 60 years ago. It showed a picture of a racoon doing a Nazi salute wearing a Swastika armband. It was the stupidest thing ever.

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I cannot recall the story.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old October 12th, 2005, 15:13
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Squirrels on crack Oct 7 2005




South London Press


NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes.

The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton - stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.

Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts.


But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets.


Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people's front lawns late at night.


Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics.


The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction. One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press.


"I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash.


"An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds.


"It looked like it knew what it was looking for.


"It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging.


"It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."


Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US.


They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC.


The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.


An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.

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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old October 12th, 2005, 15:21
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Have you got a link for it

Man squirrels are already hyper, imagine squirrels crackheads
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old October 12th, 2005, 16:55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dubh-bán
This one from CNN amused me somewhat:

Denmark pays for killing Santa's Rudolf

Cool .
Hadn't even heard of this!

APATHY: A word now fallen into disuse due to a lack of concern for it.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 01:51
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Rudolph's become a huge hazzard in my neck of the woods - I think I've seen someone hit a deer the last 4 weeks in a row. They really do need to extend hunting season in PA and NJ.

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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 03:16
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Aww, but you can't do that. The "green" way would be to export surplus deer into areas of the country which are deer-defficient. Or increase the wolf population. That would do it.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 03:56
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I like the idea of increasing the wolf population in our area - maybe that'll cut down on the little bunnies making holes all over my lil tomato garden. Shit, if we're real lucky, maybe they'll pluck some of the annoying neighbor's chijuahuahs too.

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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 04:11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pila
maybe that'll cut down on the little bunnies making holes all over my lil tomato garden.
Shoot 'em, cook 'em, and eat 'em with some homemade tomato sauce. Same goes for crackhead squirrel, terrorist turkey, and pansy reindeer. That's good eatin'.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 04:15
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Now there's a cause I'd support - good eatin' :thmbup:

I just doubt these wild things that run around all day are any good for eating.
I'd rather settle for a plump, fat, unexercised domesticated variety. Just no household pets, please.

Last edited by Andrija PFC; October 13th, 2005 at 05:05.
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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 04:43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrija PFC
Just no household pets, please.
Burmese pythons in Florida might disagree with you. One was caught snacking on a cat. Then again, I wouldn't trust their judgement too much, as one tried to gag down a whole gator the other day and blew up in the process.

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 07:47 Thread Starter
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And reptilian mathematicians worldwide nod in agreement - 6 into 13 won't go.

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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 18:31
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old October 13th, 2005, 18:41
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Woman convicted of iguana-throwing

A woman who threw her pet iguana at a policeman was today convicted of two charges of animal cruelty.
A tank was set up at the Isle of Wight Magistrates' Court in Newport to house Igwig, a green iguana, during the trial today - a situation that is believed to be unprecedented.
His owner, Susan Wallace, 47, of The Close, Seaview, Isle of Wight, was found guilty today of two charges of causing unnecessary suffering to the reptile by throwing it and another charge of common assault. She admitted a charge of criminal damage.
The case was adjourned for pre-sentence reports. Magistrate Sally Crocker indicated that Igwig would not be confiscated from Wallace.
Speaking after the case, Wallace's mother, Joyce Wallace, said her daughter was greatly relieved and added: "It's like losing a child and having it handed it back."
The iguana, which was brought to the court as evidence, will now be handed back to Wallace.
RSPCA spokeswoman Lucy Clarke said the presence of the reptile in court was extremely unusual and added: "This is the first time this has happened that we are aware of.
"We are not happy with the animal having to make this journey to court because it means it will be in less than ideal circumstances but it was the wish of the court."
The court heard that Wallace, known as the Lizard Lady among local drinkers, had brought the iguana into the Anchor pub and was asked to leave when she started to upset customers by placing the iguana on their shoulders and heads.
Doorman John Rosenthal told the court: "The first thing I knew was when one or two of the girls screamed and ran up to the other end of the bar. They were pointing at the end of the bar where this woman was there with the animal, it was on her shoulder."
He described how after he had asked her to leave twice, he escorted her from the pub where she attacked him by throwing the iguana at him twice and kicked him once.
The court heard that Wallace, described as extremely drunk, then went to Cowes police station where she became abusive to Pc David Harry and threw the iguana at him.
It missed and hit a filing cabinet, falling to the floor. Wallace, who admitted having a drink problem, told the court she was inseparable from Igwig and added: "My iguana is an individual and I give him free run of my house. We sleep together, I roll it up in a towel, I place him at the end of my bed, he crawls out and ends up on my chest at 6am."
The case was adjourned for sentencing on April 2.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old October 14th, 2005, 20:41
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Penguin Poop, Smelly Frogs Among 2005 Ig Nobel Winners
Adrianne Appel
for National Geographic News
October 7, 2005

Coat tails, Nobel laureates, and ceremonial speeches marked the 15th annual Ig Nobel science awards ceremony held last night at Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

But lest there be any confusion, not much else about the wacky Nobel Prize spoof resembles the real thing—except the science, which, believe it or not, is genuine.
The Ig Nobels ceremony pays homage to seemingly inane research projects, like testing the smells of 131 different types of frogs and investigating whether humans swim faster in water or syrup.

"These achievements speak for themselves," said Marc Abrahams, creator of the Ig Nobels and editor of the Annals of Improbable Research, the science humor magazine that coordinates the prizes.

"The point [of the awards] is to expose people to things they might not come across," he said.
The annual gala was cosponsored by two Harvard-Radcliffe groups, the Science Fiction Association and the Society of Physics Students.

Wacky Winners

Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University in England nabbed the 2005 Ig Nobel Peace prize for their work electronically monitoring the brain cells of locusts as the insects watched selected scenes from Star Wars.

"The reason I did the research was curiosity. I had to know," Rind said in jest. Like the other recipients, she was allotted just 60 seconds in which to make her acceptance speech.

On a serious note, her research studies the way that locusts avoid predators. She hopes the information will lead to new tools that will help cars avoid collisions.

The winners of the Ig Nobel Fluid Dynamics prize—hailing from universities in Finland, Germany, and Hungary—won for calculating the pressure that builds up inside a penguin's bowels before it defecates.

But none of the honored penguin researchers were able to attend the ceremony because the U.S. denied them visas.

"Let's hope [the visa denials] had nothing to do with the explosive nature of our work," one of the scientists quipped in a videotaped acceptance.

Greg Miller, a private citizen of Oak Grove, Missouri, was feted with an Ig Nobel Medicine prize for his dedicated hours spent developing Neuticles, artificial replacement testicles for neutered dogs and cats. His product comes in three sizes and three degrees of firmness.

"It took two years to get the balls rolling," Miller said in a video address to the audience.

A large team of international researchers won the Ig Nobel in Biology for their paper in the February 2004 issue of the journal Applied Herpetology. Their research, which cataloged frogs that smell like vanilla and others like flowers, may result in new perfumes or lead to frog-skin-based biopharmaceuticals.

The Economics prize went to Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology for her invention of an alarm clock on wheels. The clock's purpose is to force people out of bed and into a productive work day more quickly.
"I just wanted people to have something to laugh at in the morning," Nanda said in her 60 seconds.

Other winners include:

• John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell, of University of Queensland, Australia, who won the Physics prize for their experiment, began in 1927, to observe how long it takes tar to move through a funnel.

• Anonymous Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, who won the Literature prize for writing compelling short stories that are then sent to millions of people around the globe via the Internet, accompanied by pleas for cash.

• James Watson of New Zealand's Massey University, who won the Agricultural History prize for his detailed exploration of a pair of exploding trousers.

• Yoshihiro Nakamats of Tokyo, who won the Nutrition prize for his meticulous photographing of every meal he has eaten during the past 34 years.

But tomorrow is new day and new chance. -- Alija

Nel cielo biancazzurro brilla un'altra stella - In the lightblue sky another star shines. Alija tu non sarai mai sola. Alija you will never be alone.
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