A Stewards Diary - Xtratime Community
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old December 25th, 2005, 18:19 Thread Starter
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A Stewards Diary

Thought this was superb myself, and pretty acurate......I bloody hate stewards :frustrat:



8-36 am

My alarm clock goes off, its a match day today and the culmination of a heavy weeks safety training, ive spent the whole week at the Stadium learning to walk up and down stairs, im yet to have as many gold stars as my friend Dave but I do think I chose the right career path instead of McDonalds

10-06am

I head downstairs to find the wife relaxing with her feet up on the sofa, i instruct her to immediately remove her feet from the seat, not only is it a safety hazard but there could be anything on her shoes, how would she like it if someone else were to sit in that seat.

12-06pm

I go to get my coat before heading to the match only to find one of the kids standing in the garden outside, I immediately instruct him to sit down, I don’t know how many times i need to stress just how dangerous standing up is to him, he claims he was only having fun but that is no reason to compromise other peoples safety even if nobody was in trouble, better safe than sorry is my motto

2-56pm

The stadium is packed and we're almost ready for action, ive been busy directing people to seats for the past half hour, befriending people then telling them off for the most meaningless things. There was one woman who tried to enter the ground wearing boots, HOW DARE SHE! can you imagine letting someone in with something that could be used as a dangerous weapon, she insisted they were fashion wear and said she was off to watch the mags instead, good riddance to potential hardcore trouble makers i say.A 78 year old lady also tried to enter the ground with a walking stick. This is a clear health hazard and offensive weapon and i refused her entry and confiscated her season ticket there and then. I was later informed she fell over and suffered a broken arm but think of the injuries she could have inflicted to others.

3-10pm

I spot a young lad shouting that Leicester are "by far the greatest team the world has ever seen". My mate Sid confirms my suspicions that the Brazil side of 1970 were the best of all time so I discipline the little b****** for lying. First there telling fibs then it leads to heroin and gun crime, still my objective as steward is to eradicate all evil from society so taking his season ticket of him was the right thing to do

3-49pm

Half time - its the usual stampede to the concourses so these hooligans can drink even more beer to aid the riots they’ll no doubt be starting, one of them has been standing a whole yard in front of the yellow line smoking a cigarette, ive radioed the gaffer but I have to wait until he moves another step before I can chuck him out.

3-53pm

YES! the cigarette smoker finally moves forward, its been agony waiting for it but I feel he’s been causing a real threat to other peoples safety, if he was to flick his ciggy on the floor and someone had left a crate of dynamite there the whole stadium could blow, I don’t want to be the man left with blood on his hands

4-23pm

2 kids have been spotted walking around the concourse, one is apparently armed with a plastic spoon, its times like these that I hate the danger element that’s involved but if it meant ensuring the safety of the fans id fight them, unless there’s someone smaller to pick on of course

4-52pm

That’s it, game over, the drama however is not, one obvious hooligan has decided to hurdle the seats, he doesn’t realise the danger he is causing himself and others, ive called for the police as this is a serious matter, one of the boys in blue comes over and laughs in my face when I ask him to arrest the man for climbing over the seats, he obviously isn’t very well trained as I know this is actually a law, maybe he’s laughing at the supposed supporters idiocy and just how far he is willing to go to compromise his own safety.

5-36pm

Another hectic day is over, unfortunately I lost our weekly contest of how many people we can throw out, although I did win a sweepstake for the stupidest warning after telling a fan he would have his season ticket taken off him if he continued to clap during the game, people criticise us stewards for not having a sense of humour but its a laugh a minute it really is.

7-03pm

I go home via my local chippy, the assistant obviously spots my luminous jacket and asks how City got on, I aint stupid, they wont catch me out, I chucked 5 under 10s out warned 15 pensioners and am trying to have 3 season tickets confiscated of people who wore to much bright clothing to the match, does he really think I have time to watch the game, its disgusting the lack of respect some people have for us stewards, ahem, safety officers

8-34pm

I arrive home to find pandemonium in my house, my wife is running up and down the stairs screaming "****ing get in we’ve won 5 million ****ing quid on the lottery", I proceed to throw her out of the premises as she is clearly celebrating far to much and foul language is just going over the top, with a bit of luck she wont be allowed back in again, some people just take liberties.

10-48pm

I settle down to watch the premiership, strange it seems people in the crowd actually watch the game if only our supporters would grow up and not be hell bent on causing trouble by standing up, getting excited or singing, it would make my job a whole lot easier that’s for sure.

12-00pm

I apply to join the police force for the 42nd time

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nico
I dont belive in jinxing mate, I do belive in playing at home with a 2-0 advantage against a team which I cant see scoring 2 goals!

Of course, if we lose, I'll never admit it was me who wrote this.
Forest 2-5 Yeovil aet

Brian Clough - Legend!
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old December 26th, 2005, 14:06
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This is really great Stewards are a very strange kind of human being, and from what I heard they are a bit stranger in England than here in Germany. We are allowed to stand up during the game


Quote:
Originally Posted by jimbo jones
I immediately instruct him to sit down, I don’t know how many times i need to stress just how dangerous standing up is to him, he claims he was only having fun but that is no reason to compromise other peoples safety even if nobody was in trouble, better safe than sorry is my motto

GLUBB

"Unsre Liebe unser Leiden unser ganzer Stolz bist du! Wir werden niemals untergehn wir werden immer zu dir stehn unsre Fahnen sie wehen auch wenn du mal verlierst, allez allez, Nürnberg allez......"
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old December 27th, 2005, 10:43 Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by audiollama
This is really great Stewards are a very strange kind of human being, and from what I heard they are a bit stranger in England than here in Germany. We are allowed to stand up during the game
Stand up??????? surely not, that's like sinning against God himself

Ionly got told to sit down the once yesterday, and then they didn't bother after that, the christmas spirit must have been getting too them

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nico
I dont belive in jinxing mate, I do belive in playing at home with a 2-0 advantage against a team which I cant see scoring 2 goals!

Of course, if we lose, I'll never admit it was me who wrote this.
Forest 2-5 Yeovil aet

Brian Clough - Legend!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old December 27th, 2005, 12:24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimbo jones
the christmas spirit must have been getting too them
oohh, they´re humans, too

GLUBB

"Unsre Liebe unser Leiden unser ganzer Stolz bist du! Wir werden niemals untergehn wir werden immer zu dir stehn unsre Fahnen sie wehen auch wenn du mal verlierst, allez allez, Nürnberg allez......"
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old December 27th, 2005, 15:23 Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by audiollama
oohh, they´re humans, too
Maybe.....only maybe though

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nico
I dont belive in jinxing mate, I do belive in playing at home with a 2-0 advantage against a team which I cant see scoring 2 goals!

Of course, if we lose, I'll never admit it was me who wrote this.
Forest 2-5 Yeovil aet

Brian Clough - Legend!
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old January 2nd, 2006, 09:24
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Lol Quality
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old January 3rd, 2006, 11:27 Thread Starter
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I did have Sunderland down as the worst stewads in the country, but now I have to say Millwall's are as bad, they man handled and chucked out this poor young lad, who it was so obvious to everyone had some sort of "learning difficulties" I was actullay sat next too him for a bit, he couldn't speak properly, had these big hearing aid things in, was really small, skinny and looked weak and just got a bit over excited about everything, so those arseholes drag him down the steps and push him about, nearly starting a riot.

I can't emphasise enough how much I hate stewards!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nico
I dont belive in jinxing mate, I do belive in playing at home with a 2-0 advantage against a team which I cant see scoring 2 goals!

Of course, if we lose, I'll never admit it was me who wrote this.
Forest 2-5 Yeovil aet

Brian Clough - Legend!
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old January 3rd, 2006, 20:28
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That's class!
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old January 3rd, 2006, 22:14
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Bah, we had it bad at Boro on Saturday, but the worst is Arsenal, where a friend of mine got kicked out after 5 mins for standing.
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